Joe Verses the undead
by Hattie J Huper
Summary: Joe shoots a strange individual out in the bush. Will he hang for it or is the individual already dead. Warning, they are going to meet with some unsavoury characters. Please don't expect Adam to keep a civil tongue in his head.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

How many times had Joe shot him, He couldn't remember. He had stumbled back at each shot like he was punched but how many were there. Was it three, four. Joe stumbled into the house. All was quiet since it was well past midnight. He made for the brandy and poured a large one for himself. He gulped it down with shaky hands. A sudden noise upstairs told him he had not been quiet enough. Adam suddenly appeared on the stairs. He was in bare feet and wearing his black pants. His shirt was open, that chest, well you would have to be a lesbian or paralysed from the waist down not to appreciate that chest. They don't make em like that anymore. Sigh!

"Adam what are you doing up," Jo asked, trying to sound casual.

"I heard you yelling at Cochise not to shit in Pa's prize vegetable patch, why are you back so late. I thought you were only having one or two drinks."

Joe lowered his head not quite able to lie to his brother.

"Aw Joe, you didn't ask another girl to marry you did you. Come on, that's twice already this month."

"Adam, I shot someone." Joe blurted out.

"You shot someone." Adam tried to process this information.

"Adam, he came at me, slowly like through the trees and he just kept moaning and grunting. He smelt so bad Adam as if he'd been dead for days. He wouldn't stop coming at me so I shot him twice, three times. I just kept shooting Adam."

Adam was stunned into silence for a minute.

"So...let's recap. You shot someone twice or three times because they were moaning and they smelled funny."

Joe nodded his head miserably.

Adam went round his fathers desk to the safe there.

"Oh Adam, do ye think they'll hang me for this?"

"No Joe," Adam said as he rifled through the safe looking for money. "You'll get community service. Of course they'll hang you, ye idiot. You killed someone for bad hygiene practices ."

"I don't think he died Adam, least not right away. He stumbled off into the trees."

"You think he's still alive." Adam stopped for a minute.

"I think it's possible,"Joe nodded miserably.

"Right I'm getting dressed. Go saddle up the horses Joe."

"We're going to find him?" Joe asked.

"No, we're going over to Laura Dayton's place to knock on the door and run away. Of course we are going to find him. He'll need a doctor."

~o~

They rode carefully in the dark, the full moon lighting their way. Soon they found the spot where the altercation took place. Adam got down from his horse. Jo came up beside him.

"No sign of blood, are you sure it was here you met him."

"Sorry Adam, can you repeat. I can't hear over the sound of the crickets."

"Are you sure..." Adam stopped as just ahead they could hear the sounds of moaning and rustling. Adam drew his gun.

Joe was about to draw his when Adam stalled his hand.

"You keep that where it is, he needs a doctor, not someone to fill him with more holes, do ye hear."

"Yes Adam."

Adam moved forward cautiously.

The stranger suddenly came into view, staggering and moaning as he approached.

Adam replaced his gun in its holster.

"Hi, eh my brother didn't mean to shoot you it was just an..."

The stranger latched on to Adam and bit down on his neck with full force.

"Ouch, Ouch,"Adam struggled against the thing as it bit down.

"Owwwwww." He yelled at the top of his lungs as the thing crunched down into his flesh.

Joe leaned forward "Adam, will I take my gun out now."

"Shoot it, shoot the fucking thing. Now Joe, Now."

Joe let off a volley of shots that only slightly aggravated the creature. He dropped Adam and stumbled onwards towards Joe. Before long Joes gun clicked uselessly, he began to back away.

There was a time in Jo's life where he was very manly, he had a wife and three girls and lived on a prairie but that was all a long way away. Joe was young yet and much to Adams embarrassment he whimpered like a girl.

The creature was nearly on top of him. He was backed up to a tree when a sudden howl from a wolf stalled its progress. Without warning it took off at speed, leaving Joe covering his face in fear.

Adam was still on the ground, a hand clenched to his stricken neck.

"Jo, Jo" he called, his voice sounding hoarse.

"You need to go back to the ranch, tell Pa, get the wagon."

He said through gritted teeth, as he rocked in pain.

"Oh Adam get up, this ain't no hurt, comfort story."

Adam did get up, muttering under his breath.

"BettyHT would never treat me like this."

~o~

Back home on the Ponderosa things were beginning to stir. Ben was out in the front yard and he looked down, stark irritation clouding his face.

"Who shitted in my prize vegetable patch?" He muttered.

Ben was nearly dressed, his boots in his hand, his shirt tails hanging out. He shirt was buttoned up though. Ben never exposed his chest of he could possibly help it. It kinda made you wonder what it looked like.

"Pa,"

Ben looked up as the boys rode in. Little Jo jumped from his horse before it came to a full halt. Adam tried to imitate that once and was off sick with disk trouble for a week. He reigned sport in and got down slowly.

"Pa, there's a strange creature on the Ponderosa, it's out there Pa and me and Adam..."

"Slow down son, slow down, a creature you say, well don't tell Hoss. He'll want to take it home."

"No Pa," Adam joined in. 'This creature isn't like that, it's like it's been dead and come back to life."

~o~

Ben was not getting this at all, he stared blankly at the pair thinking that they were growing that funny stuff in the back field again.

They told him the whole story over breakfast. This harrowing tale soon put him off his ham and eggs, he didn't even notice as Hoss took his plate and scraped his eggs onto his own pile.

"You shot it you say, Joe you'll have to go to the Sheriff, confess what you done. It's the only way."

Joe nodded. "Yes pa,"

"What will they do?" Joe asked anxiously.

"They'll hang you," Ben told him as he poured himself another cup of coffee.

"But Pa, I don't want to hang." Joe whined anxiously.

"Young man, what have I always told you during those trips to the barn,"

"Drop your pants and none of that hollerin like a girl?"

"No. I always told you, if you do the crime, you gotta do the time."

"But Pa, there has to be another way. I'm not convinced that what Jo shot was actually human." Adam told him.

"Well, take Joe into Virginia city anyway Adam, see what the Sheriff has to say."

Ben put a hand to the anxious boys shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

"Don't worry son, there's a spot just beside Marie. You'll be very happy there."

And so, filled with hope and the comforting words of his father Jo journeyed into Virginia city with Adam to speak with Sheriff Coffee.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 **Thank you so much guest reviewers. Your input was very much appreciated. I hope you enjoy chapter 2.**

Virginia City was buzzing already, even though it was still early morning. Adam and Joe reigned in beside the Sheriffs office. Inside the place was full. Towns people shouted and pushed for Sheriff Coffees attention. The Sheriff shouted over the din.

"Please, please if you'll all just take a seat in the waiting area, please."

Adam muscled into the crowd and caught his attention.

"Sheriff, I can see you got your hands full, but Joe is in real trouble here. It seems he shot a strange individual out in the bush."

"Adam, can't ye see I've only got one pair of hands. Now Charlie is out there building the scaffold as quick as he can but the waiting area is already full of people waiting to be hanged."

Adam looked at the new seating area set up for the recent influx of murderers, all neighbours of the Cartwright's.

"Now if you wanna just take a ticket we'll get Joe hanged and you'll be on your way in no time." Sheriff Coffee handed Adam a ticket and gave him a light push in the direction of the waiting area. Adam went that direction looking confused.

Sheriff Coffee smiled at Joe as he followed him.

"Don't worry Joe, I might just be able to bump you up the queue considering your pa is a long standing friend," He winked at the boy.

"Adam...I don't want to be hanged," He said as they took a seat.

"I know Joe I know." Adam said still looking confused.

"Aw don't tell me you're having one of your off days."

Adam looked at him. "What do you mean?"

"You know, one of your, I hate this western shit, I wanna do Shakespeare, days."

"No Joe, no but I will admit, I'm so much better..."

"ADAM!"

"Ok sorry, no Joe I was thinking. We don't know that you actually killed the guy do we,"

"Adam I counted eight shots. Three I shot when I was on my own and five when you came with me. Maybe I should have brought Hoss." Joe surmised as he bit at his thumb nail.

"If you brought Hoss he would be building a kennel for it out back by now."

"You think it's not human," Joe asked.

"Eight shots and it ran off like the wind, damn sure I think it's not human."

"58, number 58." Charlie called into the waiting area.

"What number are you," Adam looked down at Joe's ticket.

"61, that's fine. We have time yet to think of a plan," He nodded.

"59," Charlie called.

Joe's anxious eyes followed the old lady on sticks as she hobbled up to Charlie.

"Adam they're gonna hang me, I know it."

Adam patted his shoulder as he tried to get Sheriff Coffees attention.

"Sheriff, should there not be a trial first. Are you gonna hang all these people without a trial?"

"I ain't hanged no one yet Adam, we're still tryin to get the scaffold up and running. A trial, Adam I ain't go no time for that. All these people have come here confessin to murderin these strangers in the woods and I gots ta hang em. It's alright for you sitting there in judgement, you're not the one has ta do all the paper work."

Adam looked in disbelief at his brother as Sheriff Coffee headed into the outer office.

A lady with a list was suddenly by Adams side.

"Are you a relative or are you here to be hanged," she smiled.

"A relative, Joe here is...well ye know."

She went to Joe then. "Aww, so young." She smiled sympathetically.

"Now, young man, I won't keep you long, I just have to take a few details."She took his name, age, hight, weight, medical history and religious preference.

"Now have you been in trouble before this," she asked.

"I was in jail twice for fighting," Joe mumbled, a little embarrassed.

"Ah that should get you further up the list alright. As you can see we are running a bit behind today but we are going to get started very soon." She smiled apologetically as she headed to the next person.

"Adam, I don't want to be hanged," Joe repeated, anxiety heavy in his voice.

"Attention please, can I have your attention." Charlie stood at the doorway.

"Unfortunately the scaffold has collapsed, there were too many people on the platform. So if you'd all like to go home and come back tomorrow we would be much obliged."

A general groan went up from those seated as they got to their feet. Joe breathed a huge sigh of relief, at least he would have one day to prove his innocence.

~o~

Joe and Adam breathed in the fresh morning air glad to be out of that stuffy waiting room. Old Mrs Timmons spotted Adam and hobbled up to him.

"Adam, my have you grown, and such a handsome boy, is this Hoss?" She smiled.

"No Mrs Timmons, this is my younger brother Joe."

"Oh a fine boy, have you brought him to town for ice cream?" She nodded.

"No Mrs Timmons, he murdered someone in cold blood last night so I brought him to be hanged. But the scaffold has collapsed so we have to come back tomorrow."

"Oh never mind," she smiled "well I have to be going now, good bye Adam dear."

She reached up to give him a little kiss. Adam bent down, giving her a warm hug.

The kiss sort of went on for a bit. After a minute Joe looked away.

"Well good bye now." Mrs Timmons hobbled away.

Adam looked a little green.

"That's kiss went on a bit, didn't it." Joe said, grimacing.

Adam could only nod.

"Did I see her use her tongue?"

"Shut up Joe, shut up," Adam went quickly to his horse trying to dispel a recent memory.

"No I'm sorry Adam, I just thought I saw..."

"Get on your horse Joe."

~o~

Back at the ranch Hoss was busy chopping wood. Sweat glistened on his neck as he worked, his sleeves rolled up and his shirt open revealing his large well toned chest. He stopped for a minute as the two rode up.

"Well so nice of you two to make it back here, meanwhile I'm doing all the work," he said breathing hard.

"Sorry Hoss, is Pa about."

"Yeah, he's in the house, they didn't hang him then?" He asked, wiping sweat from his neck and face.

"Nah, tomorrow." Joe answered as he passed him.

Ben got up as the three entered the house.

"Son, I'm so glad you're still alive," Ben hugged him.

"Yeah Pa, I'm still here," Joe nodded taking comfort in the embrace.

Adam looked a little confused. Couldn't Ben have come with them, no?

"Oh son, if I lost you, I don't know what I'd do." Ben began to sob.

That night Adam sat on his bed thinking over the day's events. They decided to hire a top lawyer for Joe and insist that a trial date be set.

Adam and Hoss were going to head out at dawn and search for the creature Joe shot. So all bases were covered for now. Adams heavy lids were beginning to droop and the book he was reading slid from his hand. He considered getting undressed and getting under the covers.

In a minute, he told himself as his eyes began to close.

~o~

They suddenly snapped open again as to his left he could hear scratching. A mouse maybe, louder scratching, a rat?. The handle on his door began to slowly turn. Adam got sitting up. Feeling rigid with tension, his hand slid to the bed side locker and to the gun hidden underneath. Never taking his eyes from the door his fingers encircled the gun as he waited hearing his ragged breath thick in his ears. The door swung open and she stood there bathed in light. She wore nothing but a sheer white gown. Her hair was a mass of spiky curls piled high on her head. But her face. It was pale and gaunt. She hissed at him with desire and her teeth were brilliant sharp points, long and vicious looking. Adam got to his feet as she entered, the door closing of its own volition behind her. She hissed through her teeth again as her long fingers wrapped themselves about his neck. She was cold as ice and smelt of rotten flesh. Her whole being spoke of an evil that was so dreadful, so vile it made Adams skin crawl. But then it was Saturday night and he wasn't likely to get a better offer. He took her mouth in a deep and demanding kiss. She submitted completely to the kiss allowing Adams tongue to probe her mouth fully. Eventually they broke away from each other.

She hissed again, her voice breathless with desire as she went to unbuckle his belt.

"I want you, I want you now," she whispered as she worked.

"I want to take you over and over."

"I'm going to take you in my..."

"Stop," Adam told her.

She immediately took her hands away and looked up at him.

"No, don't stop what you're doing just stop with the running commentary." Adam told her, trying to recover his breath.

"We're trying to avoid an M rating here,"

She smiled in acknowledgement as she again worked at his belt.

~o~

Joe lurched forward, his eyes scanning the room for possible threat. He heard it again. He sprang from his bed and hurried out to the corridor.

In panic he threw open his oldest brothers door.

"Awwww Adam," Joe tried to cover his eyes from the worst of it.

Laura Dayton and now this. Adam was a good looking guy. What was wrong with him. Jesus. Joe left for his own room wondering if it was possible to unsee something, erase it totally from memory.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

As it turned out, the lads had a terrible night. Once that erotic she devil was finished with Adam she decided to try her luck in little Joes room. Joe talked a good talk but in reality he was innocent to the ways of lustful women. His cries of terror brought Hoss to the room. She had surprising strength, wrestling Hoss and knocking Joes furniture asunder.

"Joe, out of that bed, run to Pa's room," Hoss yelled as he struggled.

Joe dodged past the pair and scampered off to the room indicated.

Hoss pulled her from the room but an unmerciful head butt had Hoss crash into the bannister and fall to the floor below bring half the bannister with him. Adam and Ben tried to contain her between them. She wailed and hissed her face contorted her extra long thick tongue trying to lash their faces. A well placed kick caught Adam in the face sending him down the stairs on his back. That left Ben to struggle on his own. He dragged the screaming witch down the stairs. Joe ran after to help.

"What are you going to do Pa," Joe yelled.

"I'm taking her to the barn for a very necessary talking to," Ben shouted back over the screaming and hissing.

"Pa I don't think she'll respond to an over the knee spanking," Joe said doubtfully as her long, rough, tongue tried to lash out at him and she muttered oaths at them in a voice not of her own.

"She needs a priest Pa."

Yet half an hour later Joe stood at the barn door biting his nails as his pa worked within.

"I...will...not...curse...at...people...in a strange...foreign...voice...and...act...possessed." Ben lectured as he spanked her.

She howled and yelped all through it.

Ben finally emerged looking flustered after his exertions.

"I've tied her up in the barn," he told Joe "she's gone off to sleep bless her."

"What are we going to do with her Pa?"

"I'm keeping her here Joe, when Sheriff Coffee sees that thing he will know that your story is true and the undead walk among us."

~o~

Inside, Hoss and Adam had begun to stir. Adam got unsteadily to his feet and staggered over to help Hoss.

"I ain't never seen nothin as vile, as nasty, as downright putrid as that," Hoss said as he went to stand.

"Adam had her," Joe piped up.

"Thanks Joe."

Both Ben and Hoss looked at Adam.

Hoss scowled as if he was smelling something nasty.

"Awww Adam, you dog. How could you."

"Can we not do this now," Adam asked, blush rising from his neck upwards.

"Well?" Ben asked, shrugging a little.

"Do you have feelings for her?"

"Pa she's a she devil, it was a booty call, can we drop this."

Ben put a hand to his shoulder.

"Adam, you're 31, trust me, it's not a good idea to wait too long."

"Pa, you want grandchildren at any cost, come on." Adam yelled.

"What's so wrong with grandchildren, I'm entitled aren't I?"

~o~

"Knock, Knock," Sheriff Coffee smiled at his old friends.

"Is this a bad time Ben," he asked.

"No, not at all. I'm glad to see you Roy," Ben smiled as he showed his old friend to a seat.

Roy took off his hat and held it in his lap as he spoke.

"I just come to bring the news that Joe doesn't have ta come by the office today as we've decided we ain't hanging nobody until after the thanksgiving weekend. It just ain't fair takin loved ones away before the holidays." Roy told him.

"That's good news," Joe said in an anxious voice.

"But I can't guarantee you'll get Christmas out of it Joe, justice has to be served."

Joe nodded grimly.

Adam looked from one to the other, feeling confused again.

"You must be near retirement now, are you Roy," he asked.

"Three years past it now, they can't get rid of me that easy," he chuckled.

"No matter how many letters they send to the state department."

"Ah," Adam nodded.

"But let's not talk about all this business," Ben grinned "how bout some coffee."

"Well that would be just fine Ben," Roy nodded.

~o~

After coffee and some of Hob Sings excellent Rice Krispie buns Ben brought Roy out to see the vile creature in the barn.

She was awake now and spat and hissed at them like something truly possessed.

"Where on earth did ye pick up such a loathsome, foul creature as that Ben?"

He asked, grimacing at the awful sight.

"Adam spent the night with her," Joe announced again.

Both men turned to look at him.

"Twice," Joe held up two fingers.

Sheriff Coffee looked at Adam.

"You really need to learn to keep it in your pants son," he said.

"I tell em Roy, I tell em that all the time." Ben shook his head.

At that point Adam was vowing to ride off and join the lads at the High Chaparral.

As they all headed back to the house Joe felt a tug on his shirt collar.

"Joe next time I bring you to be hanged I'm personally signing the consent form," Adam told him.

Back at the house Sheriff Coffee came to a decision.

"Well it seems that we may not have a case against Joe if it can be proved that the fella he shot was already dead," Roy told them.

"I'll get Doc Martin out here to examine that gal in your barn. Mrs Lang is due to give birth any time but I'm sure he can fit you in after that. In the meantime make sure she gets a good helping of raw liver and plenty of walks. It's not good keeping an animal locked up in a barn all day. They need fresh air and exercise,"

"I will Roy, thanks for stopping by."

~o~

Thanksgiving was always a pleasant affair at the Ponderosa. Hop Sing spent all day baking cookies and cakes and the aroma of cinnamon and nutmeg filled the house. The lads had to shoot a few undead who wandered into the yard and one particularly ambitious individual stank up the house as he stood at the table eating the latest batch of cookies but a round of bullets sent him slowly on his way.

Adam was just about to go change for thanks giving dinner when he heard a disturbance upstairs. Grabbing his gun from the table by the door he ran up the steps two at a time. He flung open his fathers door and found a creature with its hands around his fathers neck with Ben struggling to breathe. Adam cocked his gun and sent forth a volley of shots.

"No, no Adam," Ben pulled away and went to his son breathing hard and massaging his bruised neck.

"Adam...this is Elisabeth...this is your mother," Ben said, between breaths.

"Adam," she moved forward, a dimpled smile on her gaunt pale cheeks.

"Ma?"

"What do ya think Adam, I wasn't cold in my grave before he took another woman to his bed," she said.

"It was six years," Ben muttered.

"You be quiet, I'm talking to my son."

She moved forward and brushed a speck of dirt from Adams cheek.

"I don't blame you baby, don't ever think I blame you. It's not your fault that your father is a pig."

"It was six years," Ben repeated.

"You give the best years of your life Adam, but never mind that, look at you, all grown up. Adam what about this Laura Dayton girl."

"Aw ma," Adam whined.

"Lovely girl like that, you need to settle down. You're breaking your mothers heart, you know that Adam. Some people get to rest in peace, me, I lie there, I worry. You'd have me in an early grave if I wasn't dead already."

"Yes ma."

"And stand up straight Adam, why do ye have to lean like that. A fine tall boy like you needs ta show yourself off. And what's with the black clothes, Ben can you not bring him to get a nice shirt, his mother visits for thanks giving and he's dressed like a funeral director."

"Yes Elizabeth." Ben muttered.

"And Ben, that other boy, Joe, you need to take him to task before he gets some slut pregnant and you're paying top dollar for a quickie wedding but he's none of my business, I mind my own business Adam."

She shuffled off then having said her piece leaving Ben and Adam staring after her.

"We have to resolve this situation, the undead cannot walk among us," Ben spoke grimly.

"Yes it could bring about the end of the world as we know it," Adam replied.

"Or even worse, my other wives could show up."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

All three Cartwright boys were sitting on the wall just outside the ranch house. They were looking gloomy and forlorn, Joe was particularly upset and his body shook as he wiped at the tears flowing down his cheeks.

One lone undead Zombie approached.

"Fuck off," Adam snapped irritably.

The creature ambled off in the other direction.

After looking around for a while Ben finally caught sight of them and went over.

"What are you doing, there's a days work to be done, fences need mending, there's a hole in the barn door. Come on."

Ben looked to Joe.

"What's wrong with him?" he asked.

"One of those undead critters said he had hair like a girl Pa," Hoss told him.

Ben frowned. "This isn't a prequel story is it?" He asked.

Adam shook his head.

"No Pa we're all grown but they had no right to say Joe has hair like a girl. That was unwarranted."

"It was downright mean Pa," Hoss agreed, with a scowl.

Joe's chin trembled as he looked up at his father.

"I can't help it, my hair is curly Pa," he sobbed.

"Of course you can't," Ben soothed. "Look we are Cartwright's, we are big enough to take some criticism Joe."

His two older sons nodded knowingly.

"Now come on rainy face, big blow," Ben held a handkerchief to Joes red inflamed nose.

"What an awful face you have when you cry. Go on up the house and I'll fix you some hot chocolate."

Joe reluctantly got to his feet and headed in that direction aided by Hoss. Ben and Adam watched them go.

"This has gone too far Adam," Ben told him grimly.

"The undead have to be stopped before they cause some real suffering."

"Do you think Joe will get over it Pa?" Adam asked.

Ben nodded "Time is a great healer Adam."

~o~

Adam finally convinced Sheriff Coffee that it was time they held a meeting with the towns people of Virginia city. Everyone was in attendance, except Ben Cartwright. His other wives did show up and so Ben was back at the ranch hanging fresh curtains and putting together a garden water feature Marie had picked up and painting the doors of the upstairs bedrooms. The list was endless.

The undead were causing havoc within the city. They seemed to think it was ok to fill big paper bags with cough drops and gum balls and walk out of the store without paying. The shop keeper would follow them out but by then they'd had a good rummage around in the bag feeling all the sweets so that they couldn't be sold.

All horses had to be stored at the livery stable during this difficult time. No horse was safe. The undead were feeding them cough drops and Adam was shocked as he came out of the telegram office and found Sport, his main and tail braided like My Little Pony. It had to stop, the city was under siege.

~o~

Sheriff Coffee banged on the table.

"Alright, alright, you folks settle down now," he called clearly over the noise.

"We've a lot to get through today, so let's make a start. Of course you'll all know what's first on the agenda. This terrible, distressing situation of riders not clearing up after their horses. If I said it once, I said it a thousand times, horse manure..."

At this point Adam interrupted him.

"No, item 1, here," Adam pointed on the list.

The sheriff took his spectacles from his top pocket to have a closer look.

"Aw yes, these shady undead fellers roaming the city," the Sheriff read.

He cleared his throat and addressed the towns people again.

"We need suggestions on how to get rid of these unwelcome folks roamin the city causing a public disturbance."

Old Miss Peabody spoke up.

"I don't see no reason why we shouldn't welcome them, I never turned a beggar from my door, it just ain't Christian," she nodded firmly.

"Miss Peabody," Adam tried to be polite. "A beggar won't rip off your cats head and eat it."

"Oh my!" Miss Peabody sat down looking horrified.

"That Adam is a rude boy," she was heard to tell her three lady friends. "He was sweet as a youngun but since he took to wearin that black gunslinger get up I'd be a feared to meet him in a dark place."

The sheriff banged on the table again.

"Does anyone else have any suggestions." The sheriff asked.

Young Billy Mc Chord stood up.

"I say we shoot em, every last one of em," he grinned.

"I'm gonna git me my first notch."

"Doesn't count, doesn't count," several gunslingers mumbled.

Billy looked annoyed.

"Because they don't die when you shoot em it doesn't count as a notch," one of the more senior of the gunslingers told him.

Adam rubbed at a tired left eye as a ten minute conversation ensued on how many of the undead counts as a notch. He was even more dumbfounded as Sheriff Coffee told the crowd emphatically that no member of the undead was to be shot without a proper court based trial.

The meeting broke up soon after noon with two main policies in place. The undead were to be treated politely and told by anyone meeting them that they were to hand themselves in to Sheriff Coffee and assured that they would receive a fair trial, and someone would be rostered every week to pick up the manure left on the main street by passing horses.

There was no cure for migraine in the 1800s so Adam pulled his hat down low on his head. News that Laura Dayton was asking to see him did not improve his mood much.

~o~

Adam and Hoss rode up to the ranch house soon after.

Laura Dayton's ranch had improved somewhat since the time Adam had courted her. Thankfully Peggy was in a position now to hire and fire ranch hands, order supplies and designate hands to do essential maintenance work.

"Does that look like a corral to you, it's all open on one side." Peggy told her foreman.

"Charlie, I don't know where you're getting these men but I don't see much improvement. Half the barn doors are swinging on their hinges and last week six of our cattle were missing on the trail. It just ain't good enough."

"Yes ma'am, I'll get to it," Charlie tipped his hat to her and headed off shouting orders to the men to gather round.

"You run a tight ship," Adam smiled down at her.

"You have to let em have it every now and then, you know how it is Adam."

"That I do," he smiled "hay sorry I missed your birthday by the way. We were having trouble back at the ranch."

"Nothing serious I hope?" She looked up from her list.

"Nah, one of the undead borrowed Cochise and Joe was frantic."

Peggy tutted. "They are a royal pain in the butt Adam, I have to keep chasing them from our shed, they keep taking tools."

"So how old are you now Peggy?"

"I'm ten," she nodded.

"Charlie," she shouted over.

"I want that corral finished as a priority, everything else can wait until tomorrow."

"Where's Laura Peg?" Adam asked.

"She's up at the house tending to Will."

"Will is sick?"

Peggy shrugged.

"To be honest I've been so busy I don't know what the story is Adam."

Adam patted her shoulder as he went to leave.

"Don't work to hard." He told her.

She shook her head

"Chance would. be a fine thing."

~o~

"Oh Adam, I'm glad you came," Laura beckoned him into the house.

Hoss tipped his hat awkwardly as he came in behind Adam.

"I hope this isn't weird for you my calling you for help like this," she whined.

"No of course not," Adam told her.

"I'm glad it's not weird, I'd never want to make you uncomfortable Adam."

If she didn't stop whining Adam was going to pick her up and dump her in the water trough outside.

"Peggy says Will is sick Laura," Adam said, getting to the point.

"I don't understand it Adam, I'm making all his favourite meals, he won't eat a bite. I'm wondering if I should call Doctor Martin."

"Maybe he has that fever that's taken the territory," Hoss suggested.

"He won't let me take his temperature Hoss," she said.

They headed up to Will and Laura's bedroom. The sound of something heavy crashing to the floor greeted them as they reached the door. Adam flung the door wide and was immediately seized around the neck. He pulled at the hands strangling him struggling for breath. Hoss intervened trying to pull Will from him. Will's face was wild and demonic. His blood shot eyes were fierce and he was foaming at the mouth. His hair was standing on end and he was growling and snarling like some injured beast. Finally Hoss managed to free Adam from his grip. With some effort Hoss managed to drag him to the bed. Adam stood at the dresser breathing hard and massaging his bruised neck but as Will had taken to pounding on Hoss's face, Adam joined the fight again holding Wills hands in place for Hoss to tie him up. Once they had Will trust up they scrambled out of the room locking the door after them. Will struggled and growled like a wild animal spitting at them and grinding his teeth. They slumped against the closed door breathing hard, their clothes torn, their faces bruised.

"Maybe it's a throat infection," Laura wondered putting a finger to her lips.

"He told me he used to get them as a child."

"That ain't no throat infection ma'am," Hoss told her.

"He needs to be taken out to the barn and shot."

Laura looked at him horrified.

"Laura, has Will come into contact with any strange visitors lately?" Adam asked.

"Why yes, on Mrs Peebody's advice we had four of those undead people round to tea last week. But Will had to ask them to leave, we wanted to do our Christian duty by them but they tried to eat the canary. Will had to wrestle it away from them. They gave him a nasty scratch," she nodded.

"So any close contact with these critters leaves you foaming at the mouth," Hoss looked directly at Adam.

Adam was beginning to get a sinking feeling. He wasn't a stranger to regrets in his life but that night of passion with the she devil just might be one regret too many.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Adam still couldn't believe that he'd spent the night with this banshee from hell. She screamed and spat at Adam pulling violently on her chains in her agony to be free. With one massive effort she leaned forth and spat in his face. Adam paused in his reading to wipe the foul streak from his left cheek.

He cleared his throat and continued to read. Adam really couldn't understand how anyone could have such a violent reaction to the sonnets of Shakespeare. He hadn't seen such antics since he tried to read them to little Joe.

Adam thought he'd best quit when she started banging her head on the back wall while calling him a boring c...

"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth," he asked, feeling appalled. He didn't even know ladies knew words like that.

Adam headed out of the barn leaving her to her ranting and wailing.

He was perplexed to see his father bent over his work.

"Pa, what are you doing?" He asked.

"I'm planting a line of pansies and a line of daffodils around the front of the house." He said, wiping sweat from his brow.

"Do we need a line of pansies and a line of daffodils Pa," Adam grimaced.

"Yes, they'll look very nice come spring, brighten the place up." Ben spoke rather miserably.

"Ben?" Elizabeth called from the door.

"We need some hanging vines around the barn doors as well," she pointed.

"Yes Dear," Ben nodded as he bent to his work again.

"Three wives," Adam spoke grimly.

"Are they fighting?"

"No Adam, it's worse, they're bonding."

Adam patted his fathers shoulders in sympathy and headed into the house.

~o~

"Aw here he is," Elizabeth called.

"Come here Adam."

Adam came over innocently enough until he caught Hoss's pained expression as he stood among the mothers.

Elisabeth, Inger and Marie sat at the table drinking coffee like three BFFs.

"Adam tell these ladies how I passed into the next world, go on Adam tell them."

Adam exchanged glances with Hoss realising too late that there was no escape.

"You died giving me life," he mumbled, standing awkwardly tall among the women.

"I died giving him life," Elizabeth repeated proudly.

"His head was so big it was like passing a watermelon." She told them all.

Inger patted her shoulder.

"Aw Ma," Adam whined, heat rising up from his neck.

"Don't you AW MA me Adam Cartwright, I died giving you life!

How many times have you been to put flowers on your mothers grave, how many times."

"It's miles away," Adam told her.

"It's miles away, do you hear that Inger, that's my son."

"He was a good boy when he was young," Inger smiled up at him.

"Things were hard for us out on the trail, weren't they Adam?"

Adam smiled briefly.

"Look I had this painted, this is Hoss," she showed them all a miniature of Hoss as a baby.

Adam grinned broadly. " looks like a little piglet." He said.

"And das is Adam and Hoss in zee big tin bathtub. Adam is showing Hoss that he is the bigger man."

"Awww, come on," Adam put his hands to his face.

The ladies moved in smiling and cooing over the painting.

"Alright can we put that away now," Adam pleaded.

Hoss smirked "you're the bigger man Adam."

After a moment Elizabeth's face turned severe again.

"That pig brought you all the way across the territory when you were heavy with child," She frowned.

"He did not know I was pregnant," Inger told her.

"And quit callin him a pig," Marie said through tight lips.

"You're starting to grate on my nerves. I wanted to marry Ben from the first moment I laid eyes on him and I'm sure glad I did."

"You wanted to marry him the first moment you met him, I wonder who that reminds us of," Elizabeth grinned.

Marie's face flushed red as she dived for Elizabeth. Adam and Hoss were there to separate the ladies.

Ben entered then carrying a large sun flower.

"Where do you want this Elisabeth?"

~o~

Hoss and Adam tried not to think about Will and the state he was in. Adam was not going to Doctor Martin with news that he had slept with a she devil, could have picked something up and would he run the weird and embarrassing tests. No Adam decided he was going to have to tough this one out. That was his undoing.

Word came that there was trouble in town. Ben expected that it was gunslingers shooting up the saloon or old Mrs Withers wandering around Virginia City in her night gown again. He was highly surprised to learn that his own son Adam was breaking up the mercantile and had already kicked Sheriff Coffee so hard he couldn't ride out himself and had to send word.

Joe and Hoss decided it best to take the wagon.

"God speed boys," Ben called after them "Bring back bread."

~o~

Hoss entered the mercantile and immediately ducked as a saddle buckle hit the door frame.

"Adam we have some excellent buckles just here," the shop keeper nervously held up a battered looking cardboard box full of buckles.

Adam was obviously in the back room as missiles were flying from that direction. A gun was next to come hurtling out and shattered a lamp just beside Joe, making him jump.

"How longs he bin here," Hoss scowled.

"He's been here ten minutes. He asked to see a certain gun, said he wanted it, all I did was ask will it be cash or slate. He handed me this."

Hoss peered at the card.

"American Express gold card." Hoss scowled.

"Makes no sense," Hoss left the card on the counter and went to fetch his brother out. He ducked as a saddle was thrown through the door scattering a display of work boots.

"Alrighty Adam, time to go home, sleep it off."

Although Hoss suspected he had succumbed to the same illness that affected Will, he was shocked to see Adam, his eyes bloodshot, his hair out on end and foaming at the mouth. He looked like some devilish fiend.

It took Hoss and Joe some effort to drag him out.

"Can I have a batch loaf of white bread as well please," Hoss put his hand in his pocket to fetch coins but the store keeper wrapped the bread in brown paper and handed it to him.

"It's on the house, please" he gestured, as Adam was trying to put little Joe into a display case and he clearly wasn't going to fit.

They dragged Adam out towards the wagon. His shirt was ripped up, his hair was out in stalks and he kicked and spat like a violent murderer on his way to the gallows.

"Hi Adam," three ladies smiled as they passed.

He stopped killing Joe long enough to tip his hat to them.

Once he was sure they had moved on he turned and pulled Joe into a head lock.

"Right that's it. You is goin down boy," Hoss growled.

Hoss pulled him up onto the wagon and managed through his struggling to tie him up.

"I don't get it Joe," he said. "He face is all crazy lookin, his hair is all over, he's foamin at the mouth and the girlies still think he's more handsome than us."

"I know he's like the bowl of porridge that's just right." Joe shook his head.

~o~

Doctor Martin was unavailable so Doctor Decent came to take a look at Adam.

"Adam is a very sick boy Ben" he said as they descended the stairs. "No point in hiding the truth, it's out of my hands."

"Doctor?" Ben asked fearfully. "What exactly does that mean?"

"He'll reach a point of crisis tonight, if he passes it, all well and good, if not?"

The Doctor shrugged.

Bens eyes opened wide at that.

"Stay close to him Ben, I'll stop by in the morning to see if he made it. I'll bring a death certificate, and the funeral director just in case."

The doctor patted his arm and turned to leave.

Ben stared after him.

"Me and Joe will sit up with him Pa," Hoss told him.

"No, no you boys go on to bed, I can't risk him stuffing Joe in the wardrobe and locking it again. I'll stay up with him." Ben muttered, worry and stress heavy on his face.

~o~

Outside the doctor took off with his buggy into the night.

Doctor Martin watched him go trembling fearfully and whimpering to himself. He then scampered across to the barn and pulled back the heavy wooden door. With shaking hands he lit a match.

"Hello?" He called into the blackness.

"I'm over here, dim wit."

He bent low and worked on the shackles pinning her to the wall.

"This is the last act, please say that this is the last act," he pleaded.

The she devil hissed and a simpering smile crossed her bloodless lips.

"I believe I will have more work for you good doctor, a lot more," she smiled.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

 **Thanks for all the reviews guys. I really appreciate it.**

 **WARNING: bad language in this chapter guys. I hope that doesn't offend. This is only farce and lovely Ben would never use language like this as we all know.**

The following morning Hoss and Joe were surprised and heartily glad to see Adam looking so much better. Ben had stayed up with him and though he was exhausted looking he was relieved and happy to see his son improved.

Adam was looking sweaty, vulnerable and gorgeous and made you want to either care for him or get in the bed beside him.

"Son I'll head down and get you some breakfast, Ben patted his shoulder and left with Hoss.

Joe sat down beside him.

"You're really feeling ok now?" He asked, somewhat uncertain.

"I'm fine Joe," Adam smiled.

"I believe I gave you a tough time yesterday, I'm sorry."

Joe shrugged "it's ok, I'll live."

"You know Joe, we haven't always seen eye to eye but whatever happens, you're still my little brother. I'll always be here if you need me."

Joe could feel moisture coming to his eyes at his brothers honest words.

"You Yankee Granite head, I expect it'll take more than this to keep you down. I was really worried for you ye know. If anything were to happen to you I don't know..."

Joe couldn't continue as emotion was starting to well up within him.

"I'm fine Joe, other than a slight chafing at my wrists," Adam said with a dimpled grin.

Smiling warmly, Joe reached over and began undoing the shackles securing Adam to the bed.

~o~

As Ben ascended the stairs, tray in hand he frowned at the strange thumping sound coming from Adam's bedroom. Hoss was coming out of his room and politely opened Adams door for his father.

They both froze in horror at the awful sight. Adam had a grip on Joes curls and he was hopping his head off the side table laughing demonically.

"Adam, Son," Ben rushed to his side bringing him towards the bed. Hoss helped and together they had him secured once again to the frame. Joe picked himself up off the ground shaking stars and sparkles from his vision.

"Joe, don't just stand there," Ben told him.

"Fetch a pitcher of water for your brother."

Joe's kicked puppy expression was lost on all inhabitance of this room so he staggered off to do his fathers bidding.

~o~

Doc Martin squirmed in her presence. She was fiendish and yet strangely beautiful with her gaunt pale complexion and cold dead eyes. Doc Martins newly acquired castle was draughty and a chill ran up the doctors spine.

"What more can I do, I've read from the book, brought you back to life. I've read incantations every night to secure minions to do your bidding."

"You think that's enough?" She smiled "bless you, we have scarcely begun."

"You have brought me back but I cannot exist for long, I must be pledged to a man from the world of the living. Only then shall I live on in this undead state, as will he."

"What must I do?" He practically crawled to her side.

"Bring me Adam Cartwright," she hissed.

"But why him," he asked fearfully.

"Stupid question, he's hot. Girl has to set her sights high."

"But I cannot, he is gravely ill."

She suddenly turned on him.

"Did I not give you this enchanting home with a mere flick of my hand. With that same hand I could end your life here and now. You own this Castle only because I wish it, you don't even have to pay property tax. Now get me Adam Cartwright, a tub of chocolate ice cream and some cookie dough."

"A tub of chocolate ?" Doctor Martin began mumbling fearfully.

"Do not dare to question me, I'm dead. I no longer need to watch my figure. Go now."

~o~

Ben Cartwright was highly surprised to find Doctor Martin on his doorstep, he was soaked wet in the rain and shivering.

"Come in doctor, come in, here dry yourself by the fire."

"I believe you have visitors staying Ben. Where are your three undead wives today?"

"Oh they're down in the basement making an effigy of me to stick pins in."

The doctor shook his head with a smile, "ugh women!"

Ben poured his old friend a brandy. "So what brings you out on a night like this?"

Doctor Martin took a sip of the warming liquid before he continued.

"I've been neglecting you Ben, Doctor Deacent was telling me Adam is very ill. I think maybe I should take him into town, give him a proper physical."

"I have to admit doctor I have been most worried," Ben frowned.

"We searched the house yesterday looking for little Joe only to find him in Adams laundry basket. Adam swore blind he didn't know how he got there," Ben shook his head.

The good doctor patted his shoulder.

"All will be well Ben." He told him.

They ascended the stairs to Adams room.

Adam was secured to the bed with shackles. He thrashed about violently, his eyes unseeing.

The two that had just entered surveyed him with concern.

"This is junk, I want to do Shakespeare," he ranted.

Ben put a hand to his chest trying to quiet his sons ranting.

"Why did I sign a six year contract, I don't even like horse operas."

As you can see doctor, he's a raving lunatic, l'm at my wits end."

Doc Martin put a hand to his friends shoulder feeling more than a little guilty now.

Ben I will take him into town, all will be well," he lied.

"But how will you get him into town Doctor?" Ben asked.

Doctor Martin opened Adams bedroom door and six aides shuffled in. They were well dressed in black suits and bowler hats but they were pale and shuffled past Ben smelling as if they had been dead at least six months. Ben put a hand to his nose and stared questioningly at the doctor.

"Equal opportunities for all Ben, these undead apprentices need to start somewhere. If no one will take them on they'll never find employment."

Ben hurried over as one of them began munching on Adams right arm.

"No, I told you, you don't eat the patients," Doctor Martin told him sternly.

Ben was unsure about all this. "I should go with you," he said.

"No, no Ben. Look at the weather. Stay here, where it's warm. You'll see him tomorrow."

The six carried Adam down the stairs.

"I don't want to be a chief surgeon in a medical hospital," Adam ranted, twisting and squirming in their grip.

"Dr Gates is a scene stealing hack."

He was getting worse. Ben hoped against hope that Doc Martin could do something for his ailing son.

Just as the doctor set off, Candy came in shrugging out of his coat.

"Some night," he said.

Ben just looked at him.

"Don't I even get a glass of brandy?"

"Later," Ben told him sternly.

"Ah come on boss, have you seen him, he's fucked. That's a character death." Candy pointed at the closed door.

"Later," Ben told him, helping him back on with his coat.

"I bet if I was cute little Jamie I'd get ta stay for a glass of milk at least," he grumbled.

~o~

Ben waited up for Hoss and Little Joe. They had been all evening mending fences for old Mrs Peabody. The old bag assured them she had no money and paid them instead with a bag of apples. When they insisted on a cash payment she set the dogs on them. They ended having to jump the fence they had just mended and scarper on back to the Ponderosa on foot as their horses were back in her barn. They came in like two drowned rats, not in good humour.

"Pa, doc Martin took Adam ta town?, that don't sound right." Hoss scowled.

"And he had help from the undead, what was that about?" Joe asked anxiously.

"I know," Ben frowned "this is all playing out like some badly written story..."

"Pa, will we ever see Adam again," Hoss asked the question they all dreaded.

"I don't know Hoss," Ben muttered "Oh, that reminds me, Candy stopped by."

"No kidding, how is old Candy?" Joe asked, folding his arms.

"He's just fine, wanted to stay bless him but with Adam still with us you know."

"Worlds colliding," Hoss chuckled.

"Pa, we're going to head to town check on Adam," Hoss told him.

"Can I come too?" Joe asked.

"Yeah, I meant you Joe, who do you think I meant,"

"Hop Sing, just came out of the kitchen there, you two have gotten kinda close lately,"

"No Joe, I meant me and you."

Ben smiled warmly as he watched his two sons arguing their way to the barn.

"What a couple of dip shits," he chuckled.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Joe and Hoss headed for town bent on finding news about Adam and maybe sneaking a crafty beer or two. They were grown men and could drink beer whenever they wanted. It's not that they were afraid to tell Ben or anything they just didn't want to tell Ben. Didn't mean they couldn't drink or had to hide it or anything...

"Ride safely boys," Ben called after them.

"And remember, alcohol is the Devils medicine and if you partake you'll go straight to hell."

Yes Ben did have a brandy with Doctor Martin earlier, along with his many good traits Ben was unfortunately a hypocrite.

~o~

They would definitely get round to finding out about Adam. That was on the list of things to do for sure. But first things first.

The saloon was buzzing. It was a lot more packed than usual. At first Joe and Hoss thought a travelling show was in town or that the miners from the local mines were out for a break. But they soon discovered it was the undead. They had been allowed to socialise with the living.

"This ain't right," Hoss scowled. "They're everywhere."

Joe watched a saloon girl cozy up to one of those more skeletal creatures feeding him nuts and pork scratchings.

"Look at that," Joe was disgusted. "Those chicks just go for anything different."

They walked up to the bar and were not amused as the creature sidled up and eyed the two suspiciously.

"Gimmy two beers," Joe told him.

"I.D."

"What?" Joe stared at him as if he had two heads.

"I can't serve ye lesson you're over 21. I need ta see some ID."

"You're not even alive, what right have you to ask me for I.D?" Joe snapped.

"There's no need to be racist against the departed. We have a job to do round here as much as anyone else. Now would you please either show me some I.D or leave."

Hoss pulled Joe over to a table and put him sitting down.

"I'll get the drinks in little brother, you just sit a spell. And don't get into no mischief."

Hoss managed to get served and soon they were settling in with beer, well buttered soda bread and cold cuts to eat.

"Joe will you just relax." Hoss frowned between mouthfuls.

"How can I relax, Do you recognise that tune they're playing on the piano over there?"

Hoss shook his head.

"Nearer my God to Thee," Joe told him.

"They're buzz killers. Who let them in here anyways," He muttered.

Hoss was distracted as someone was tapping him on the shoulder.

"He wants to arm wrestle you," the undead creature swayed a little, grinning foolishly.

This was all Hoss needed. Could they not just keep to themselves.

"Eh no thanks," Hoss looked at the short but eager arm wrestler.

"Maybe some other time."

"You're too chicken that means," the short creature nodded.

The undead were certainly out for a good time. That generally meant they drank way too much and made poor decisions. Kinda like foreign exchange students.

"No I just wanna enjoy a drink here with my brother. I'm sure you'll find someone else to arm wrestle with." Hoss told him politely.

"Chicken!"

Joe was getting up, his face flaming red.

"Sit down little brother."

~o~

Hoss decided to arm wrestle rather than risk Joe getting into a scrap.

That did not turn out well. The eager undead volunteer had been dead quite a while and his arm came clean off in Hoss's hand.

Locals who had crowded round to see the spectacle cheered and patted Hoss on the back. The stricken undead wrestler shuffled off with his friends leaving Hoss feeling very guilty. He got up and tried to hand the arm back offering to sew it back on. This was met with unfriendly scowls so he went back to Joe.

"He had it coming, he was the one who wanted the arm wrestle," Joe shrugged.

"Maybe we should just drink up and go. We need to find out how Adams doing anyways." Hoss said, downing his beer in one.

Suddenly two of the undead shuffled over.

"Do you know he had a very promising career as a pianist. He played at Opera houses in France and Germany," one of them said.

"Now thanks to you that's all over and done with," the other told Hoss.

"I didn't mean ta rip off his arm," Hoss shrugged plaintively.

"Well it's a little late for that. Look he's crying now."

Sure enough he was snivelling into his beer cradling his arm as if it were a baby.

"Well I'm sorry," Hoss told them honestly.

"Come on Reggie, he's an animal. There's no point in talking to him." They walked off with their noses in the air leaving Hoss feeling just about as bad as he could feel.

Joe ordered in a couple more beers and Hoss went out to get some air.

The saloon was packing up and things were starting to get rowdy as someone accused an undead creature of eating his gal. Fists were thrown and the creature was flung over a table, one of his eyeballs plopping into Hoss's drink.

Then the gal in question turned up after using the necessary and things began to calm down again.

Outside the thunderstorm raged on, the lightning creating eerie shadows as it flickered around the empty street. Joe was about to walk across to doctor Martins office when a black horse drawn hearse pulled up.

Hoss pulled Joe back behind a pillar as they watched.

"Ye think old Mister Hienz finally passed away?" Joe asked as he surveyed the scene. "He was gettin on for 102."

"No boys, it ain't me."

Mr Hienz exited the saloon at that moment and staggered off for home. Hoss tipped his hat to him.

"You should go home boys, maybe it's your Pa. he's looking a mite peeky these days."

They didn't know how to answer that and just let the old man stagger away.

~o~

Soon after the doors to Doctor Martins office flew open and four of those vile undead creatures emerged carrying a coffin. Both Joe and Hoss removed their hats and bowed their heads. That is until violent thumps could be heard coming from inside the coffin as it was quickly carried to the back of the hearse and shoved in. Joe looked at Hoss in horror.

Doctor Martin hurried out with a woman on his arm and hurried over to his horse and buggy.

"Dya think we should follow," Hoss asked.

"No I think we should head home to check if Pa has snuffed it in the night, of course we should follow. I'm willing to bet Adam is in that coffin."

They hurried to their horses and mounted up. The thunder made the animals skittish and Hoss had some job controlling his mount. Joe soon had Cochise under control because as everyone knows Cochise is lovely.

~o~

They rode through the forest following the hearse at a safe enough distance. They were surprised as the hearse pulled up at a large set of wrought iron gates. The gates opened and the hearse went on through.

Hoss and Joe rode up to the gates and got down from their horses.

They peered in and were taken aback by the size of the massive castle beyond, It's huge battlements majestic in the night sky.

"How we gonna follow?" Hoss wondered as he peered in through the bars.

"That's your question?" Joe turned to his brother.

"A massive castle springs up overnight on Ponderosa land and you want to know how we gonna follow."

The gate latch suddenly seemed to snap open. Joe moved slowly and pushed on the gate. It creaked wide allowing admittance.

"You know Joe, we have a choice here," Hoss said as a clap of thunder rolled angrily overhead.

"We could go on in there, maybe get ourselves killed, pa would have ta adopt a few orphans, keep the show goin, or we could go on home, try out that shepherds pie Hop Sings bin making all day."

"What about Adam?" Joe asked.

"You'd definitely have the title, cutest Cartwright."

Joe looked at Hoss.

"How could you say that, that don't sound like you Hoss?. You'd never abandon Adam. I would, but you..."

Hoss walked slowly to where Joe stood.

Joe started to back away from the big man.

"Hoss...Hoss... Dan?"

Joe realised too late it wasn't Hoss. The creatures eyes flashed as he snarled at the younger man. Joe tried to dodge out of the way but the undead creature caught him by the scruff of the neck and marched him through the gates and up the gravel path.

"I'd like you to know," Joe whimpered as he was marched.

"That you are trespassing on Ponderosa land,"

"And you could incur a fine of more than sixty dollars,"

"If you're not on your way by morning."

The beast that looks like Hoss growled deep in his throat and shook poor Joe like a rat.

He banged on the large oak door and dragged Joe inside as if he were no bigger than a child.

Joe was dragged through the eerie stone structure, all he could see were flickering candles and tapestries as he was pulled along.

He was pulled down a flight of stone steps and thrown to the ground.

The she devil tutted as she looked down at Joe's crumpled form.

"I just know my fiancée would prefer Hoss to be his best man, does he even get on with this one."

"No they're always fighting," Doctor Martin told her "But there was a problem back at the Saloon. Hoss stepped out to get some air and saw me manhandling Adam. He came over to intervene and we had a slight change of plan then."

"Manhandling Adam, I'm sorry I missed that. Oh well it can't be helped," the she devil quipped cheerily.

"Lock him up with his brother, they can work on his best man speech together."

Joe was picked up by the Hoss like creature and carried out through an arch. He was brought down another flight of steps to a much colder part of the castle with very few candles.

He was thrown up against a stone wall and his wrists were locked into iron shackles. Joe kicked out at the thing as it moved off then.

"You can't do this," he yelled after it.

"You can't lock me in a dungeon."

"This isn't The Monkees, it's Bonanza." He yelled as a door slammed at the top of the stairs.

"Save your strength Joe, hollering's going to get you no where."

Joe turned sharply at the sudden voice but was relieved to see his brother shackled beside him.

"Adam, are you alright?" He asked.

"I've had better days Joe," Adam said, pulling on the shackle on his left wrist, testing its strength.

"Why do they want us," Joe asked, trying to see his brothers face in the dark.

"That girl, you know the one from the other night, well she wants to marry me now."

"Adam, ye see, ye dip your pen in the ink."

"I don't need a lecture Joe."

"Yeah but you're always saying to me, don't go upstairs with saloon girls Joe, don't go upstairs with saloon girls and then this loose bit shows up and she's not even properly alive and you party on down with her."

"There's no need to be crude Joseph, have some respect. I am your older brother. Besides I didn't know she was dead when we did it."

"That makes it alright."

"Look we have to find a way out of here. If I marry her tonight as planned I'll be walking the path of the undead forever."

"Adam,"

"Yeah?."

"If all that comes to pass can I have your room?"


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you so much to everyone who read this silly tale and reviewed it. Your input was very much appreciated. Special thanks goes to the guest reviewers who I cannot thank in person.**

 **and finally, I hope you enjoy Chapter 8.**

Ben heard the strange thud outside as Hoss fell against the doorstep. He opened the front door and stared in horror as Hoss sat there drenched wet and looking miserable.

"Pa. I tried ta stop em, they were taking Adam. It was some kind of trick, I tried ta stop em Pa."

Ben helped Hoss up and brought him inside.

"Hop Sing, Hoss is wet through. Bring some cocoa and corn bread, hurry!" Ben shouted to the kitchen as he sat Hoss down by the fire.

A china plate was thrown from the kitchen, it hit the fireplace and shattered into thousands of pieces.

"I'll get you some cocoa, I think Hop Sing is off duty," Ben told him, picking fragments of china from his vest.

The cocoa revived Hoss somewhat and he told Ben all that had happened.

Ben frowned at some parts of the narrative.

"You were in the saloon?. Eric, Hoss Cartwright, if this wasn't such a grave situation I would have no hesitation but to take you out to the barn and give you a good sound tanning."

"Pa, I mean no disrespect or nothin but I am 29."

"Yes I know, I'd use the razor strop." Ben nodded grimly.

Hoss scowled. "Pa we have to go find Adam and Joe, they are in big trouble. Those people and Doc Martin done took em away an who knows what they'll do to em."

"Yes, yes of course, first things first. We must ride to Virginia city, pick up the trail of that hearse from there. Did the locals say which direction the hearse was going."

"Pa...I didn't tell ye about the hearse yet."

"No, that's true you didn't."

Ben shook his head. "Hoss when it comes to good and inspiring literature you get what you pay for, this crap is free. Come on we'll ride to Virginia city and pick up the trail from there."

~o~

"You leave my brother alone, you animal," Joe whimpered, hardly baring to watch.

"Is he always so prudish," she purred into Adams ear.

"He has his moments," Adam grinned.

"Ah come on Adam, I'm shackled right here beside you and she's rounding third base, get a room or even better save it for the weird and creepy wedding night."

"I gotta go," she hissed out an exasperated sigh.

"Little brother there is putting me off my game, I'll be back," she grinned, showing all of her splendid sharp teeth as she pulled Adam forward for one last lingering kiss.

Joe winced, ugh they were noisy kissers.

Finally she pulled away wiping lipstick from Adams mouth. His eyes followed her as she headed back upstairs.

"Have you no moral compass whatsoever," Joe asked.

"You'll understand," Adam grinned wistfully. "When you're older."

"You slept with somebody who is dead, it gave you a terrible sickness not unlike rabies and now you're sucking face with her like she's your prom date. Adam, in any language, that's creepy."

"Yeah, I suppose we ought to be thinking of escape Joe. Do you have any ideas."

"We could shoot our way out with the help of the Calvary."

Adam looked hopeful suddenly.

"Do you have a gun?" He asked.

"No, not on me, I don't."

"Does the Calvary know we're here?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Joe are the Calvary even in the territory?"

"No I haven't seen them."

Adam nodded. He would have to rely on his own smarts to get them out of this, Joe was not on form today.

~o~

Sheriff Coffee scratched his head.

"Aw now Ben, I can't go swanning off on some cockamamie mission to save Adam and Joe. You need some kind of a law enforcement officer. I jis don't have the authority to haul ass through town rescuing people."

"But Roy," Ben smiled patiently. "You're the sheriff of this town. I need you."

"Well if ye think it will help Ben, I suppose I could tag along."

As they descended the steps of the sheriff's office they were met by a number of towns people baring torches.

"We'll come too Ben," they cheered. "The saloon is closed and our wives will kill us for coming home drunk so you can count on us Ben."

Ben smiled at his friends but frowned as he noticed a few of the torch bearers were members of the undead.

"Why are you here," he asked feeling suspicion rise within him.

"The saloon is closed and honestly...we just thought it might be a laugh."

And so they headed off fearlessly to the forest to fight the greatest threat known to man, a woman bent on marriage.

~o~

Adam and Joe meanwhile were to be prepared for the wedding ceremony. They were unshackled from the wall and a large tin bath was brought to the dungeon. Scores of beautiful undead ladies were on hand to help with the grooming process.

"This bath is for you," one particularly attractive wench smiled as she led Adam to the tub.

Joe followed beaming all over his face.

"No, no, you're with me ducky," a tall rather effeminate man stepped up beside him.

"What, no. Get lost," Joe told him.

"But, I've prepared a special bath for you," he smiled.

"It has lavender beads and coconut oil, open up and cleanse your pours."

"Cleanse my pours?"

"Your skin will glow with new energy."

Joe followed him into the next room.

"I get acne breakouts, do you think you'd have a scrub that could sort that?" he asked.

"Very common problem at your age, let me just have a look."

~o~

Adam came away from that bath scene with a very fixed smile on his face. Due to the delicate rating of this tale I cannot share the sordid details of that scene only to say it was hot, steamy and grubby, lots of groaning and hissing and nice smelling shampoo.

Ugh, sorry...I'm playing it out in my mind. I don't need fan fiction, I need therapy.

Anyway Joe emerged from the other room wearing a fine suit. Franc came scurrying out after him.

"Joe you forgot your goodie bag," he told him.

"Now remember apply the moisturiser all over your face once in the morning, once in the evening. The intensive cream is applied once a day to your trouble spots."

"Thanks," Joe took the bag from him.

"Welcome petal."

Franc breezed out of the room bringing the girls with him.

Adam arched an eyebrow at Joe.

"I've trouble skin," Joe told him crumpling the goodie bag protectively near lest Adam should take it.

~o~

The ceremony began just after midnight. All assembled were elaborately dressed in glamorous black silk gowns with lace and fine net. The men were equally smart in black tux and silk red ties. The whole scene was reminiscent of a benefit Halloween ball.

The organist played an array of dour mournful tunes before the rector took to the pulpit.

"Firstly I'd like to say that our usual organist could not be with us tonight. An unfortunate incident in the saloon earlier this evening has left him with a severed arm which unfortunately can not be sewn back on."

Joe squirmed a little bit at the dirty looks thrown his way.

The rector went on. "He wished to thank everyone for the cards and flowers and kind prayers and said he's not going to let it stand in the way of him enjoying his life and reaching for his dreams."

Everyone nodded approval, there was even some clapping. Joe sank lower in his seat, his face going slightly red.

The good rector cleared his throat.

"It's always with the greatest of joy do I reside over these events, two young people, one a living vibrant young man, the other a crumbling, decaying young woman, two hearts beating as one, two people setting off together in the path of life.

~o~

They had blasted through the gates, their sheer weight of number smashing them open now the torch bearers led by Ben marched up to the large wooden entrance.

"My friends, my friends," Ben called over the shouting and cheering.

All hushed to listen to his words.

"You have been such a help, I could not have asked for more."

Cheers of approval from all assembled.

"And I will not ask for more, here is where we must part ways."

Ben raised his hands at their protests.

"My good friends, I cannot ask you to endanger yourselves any further. Myself and Hoss shall go on alone."

More protests. Clem stepped forward.

"Ben I think I speak for everybody when I say, we are with you. We built up Virginia city together, all of us, from the ground up. You are one of us Ben and we are not going to back down and leave you to fight this alone."

A huge cheer went up from all assembled. Ben wiped at a stray tear on his cheek as those nearest patted him on the back.

Suddenly one of the torch bearers shrieked and pointed upwards as a large caldron above was tipped. Boiling hot oil cascaded down drenching the towns people. They shrieked and squirmed in agony as the scalding oil scorched and burnt their skin. Ben stepped back away from the carnage grimacing at the awful sight.

"Pa, they're all burned up," Hoss muttered his face looking sickened at the sight.

"Yes indeed, what a mess," Ben responded.

"Come on Hoss, let's see if we can get in round back."

Ben and Hoss stepped carefully over the dead and dying and ran to the side of the castle looking for another way in.

~o~

Sure enough there was a little wooden arched door around the side of the building. Hoss's weight soon prized it open and the pair headed in. They thread lightly on the stone floor looking at the splendid grandeur all around them. The castle was vast with massive stone pillars, stained glass windows and beautiful fire places with ornamental gargoyles guarding at each side.

They both froze as Doctor Martin came suddenly into view.

"Ben, I'm so glad you're here, I've been so worried."

"Pa, don't trust him. He brought Adam here. He kidnapped Joe, He ain't no good Pa." Hoss told him.

"Hoss, Paul is a long time friend," Ben said feeling embarrassed at Hoss's lack of manners.

"I'm sure if he brought Adam here he had good reason."

"Think again Ben," Doctor Martin told him as he opened a side door to allow a hoard of undead to descend on the two. They backed Ben and Hoss into a corner.

Ben picked up a poker and smacked it off the head of the nearest fiend. He threw the poker at the other one coming up behind him. Two rather large brutes got a good grip of his arms but he managed to kick one away. He slipped his arm free and punched the head off the other attacker. Meanwhile Hoss could be seen swinging on the overhead chandelier and coming down hard scattering them like bowling pins. Hoss and Ben were gaining ground punching and kicking with all they had but more of the fiends were rounded up to join the battle. Both Hoss and Ben were tiring and it didn't take much of a beating to bring them under control. Once subdued, they were marched into the tiny chapel within the castle to join the ceremony.

~o~

Adam and the she devil were about to start in on their vows but all stopped as Hoss and Ben were dragged in and forced to stand in the sidelines. Ben looked around and was surprised to see his first wife Elizabeth standing close by wearing her best hat.

"Liz, what are you doing here," he asked.

"Like I'm gonna miss my son's wedding."

"Yes, can we continue now," the Rector asked slightly annoyed at the interruption.

Ben was incensed, "You can't do this its not right. Adam belongs at home on the Ponderosa, not marrying some undead wench he hardly knows."

"Pa, I'll still be on the Ponderosa," Adam told him.

"Wait a minute, hold it right there," the she devil stalled proceedings.

"What do you mean you'll still be on the Ponderosa. No we won't. We'll be in San Francisco."

"Babe, I can't leave, besides Pa will be a great help to us when we start having younguns."

"Younguns?. Not in this life time buster unless you want to learn to breast feed. I don't plan on having kids for ages yet. I'm setting up a chain of goth stores in the bigger cities. It's going to be epic. And as for staying on Ponderosa land, I ain't doing that either Adam. Your old man is getting on in years and I ain't taking over his care."

"He's not that old yet," Adam told her.

"And even if he was you wouldn't be caring for his needs."

"Don't mind me," Ben muttered.

"I'll just walk out in the snow when the time comes."

"Pa please," Adam put a hand up.

"Babe I thought sure you'd want to start a family as soon as possible. I mean no offence sweetheart but you ain't getting any younger."

"Adam Cartwright, how could you. I can see now that I may have made a terrible mistake in coming back like I did."

Adam stared at her. "Are you telling me you would be better off dead than married to me?"

"Well," she hissed apologetically.

She gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

"It's been fun Adam," with that she turned on her heel and scampered off down the isle, her undead slaves following after.

"Hard look man," they said patting Adams shoulder as they passed him.

Ben clapped his hands together

They're leaving, you did it son, they're leaving.

His smile snapped off as he turned and came face to face with Elizabeth.

"Ben I'd like to say it was a pleasure but as usual I was completely ignored this whole visit," she said as she put her lace gloves into her handbag.

"Adam darling," she gave her son a light peck on the cheek.

"You were too good for her, you find a nice girl living near momma's grave."

"Aw ma," Adam whined.

"Just a suggestion my darling," she embraced him warmly and sauntered off down the isle followed by Inger and Marie.

~o~

The she devil and all her minions headed off back to their respective graves happy in the knowledge that the grass was not greener and life above ground still sucked.

Ben, Adam, Hoss and Joe trekked back across the uneven landscape to their home as the first rays of dawn shot their fiery glow upon the horizon.

They were surprised to come upon Doctor Martin. He was sitting on a lone tree stump weeping for his lost castle.

"Ben, my friend. I am cast out. What can I do now." He sobbed brokenly.

"Indeed you are cast out and rightly so." Ben told him angrily.

"I myself would have nothing more to do with you if I didn't suffer such awful haemorrhoids."

"Are you using the ointment I gave you," the Doctor asked.

"Well, no."

"Ben, how do you expect them to heal up if you don't use the ointment."

"I know but you get complacent," Ben told him.

"But you can't afford to get complacent, not with haemorrhoids Ben."

The two friends journeyed back to the Ponderosa working out a care plan for Ben's haemorrhoids.

Adam smiled as he watched them go.

"Do you think you'll ever marry Adam," Joe asked as he sidled up to him.

"Probably will Joe eventually, to a nice local girl."

"It'll be a story of friendship turned to love, with romantic scenes and home spun wisdom, none of this far fetched goth crap."

They all shared a chuckle at Adams honest response, no one noticing as the demented looking scarecrow in the next field turned fierce eyes to stare at them.

The End


End file.
